Running With The Dogs

I've been out of the game of parenting a baby for more than 10 years. It's a whole different ballgame. My children now are at the age where they think for themselves (very ably, I'll add). They reason on their own. They make judgments and decisions on their own (not always ably, I'll add), and they take credit on their own, deservingly. They know their likes and dislikes, and they experiment and face new days on their own because they want to. Babies do none of those things. It's been quite awhile since another human being has been totally dependent on me, and that's scary. I've had a lot of years of (semi) freedom, and I have to be honest that I'll miss that. I know there are great trade-offs I'll get in return, and I plan on taking them in as completely as possible each and every time one surfaces. I can't wait, in fact. But I'll miss heading out the door day or night and walking around the block without worry. Sitting on the steps at midnight watching the moon pass through the sky without worrying about getting up because someone else needs me to. I'll miss hoping on the bike with my daughter and heading down to the gas station to get a soda. I'll miss sitting up late at night watching movies with my increasingly insightful 14-year-old. I'll miss running with the dogs in the early morning, catching the day's first breaths deep in the lungs.

But for each thing I'll miss, I can't wait to adapt my life in new ways. I can't wait to buckle the little guy/girl into the car seat and head out for a ride. To strap him/her in the stroller and let him/her experience the sun. Feel the wind on the face. See snowflakes falling from the sky above. To hear thunder and watch lightening. To take in fireworks for the first time. To feel cold water on the toes. I can't wait to play him/her songs on the guitar and sing him/her to sleep. To take naps together. To draw and paint and buy hot wheels or dolls. To experience the library and ballgames and going to the movies for the first of many times. I can't wait to hear him/her say "puppy" and come to love running with the dogs on his/her own.

I'm starting to think life is a lot about trade-offs and what you're willing to give up to get something in return. I don't know really what I need to get these days. That confuses me more than I can probably comprehend. Even if I knew what I wanted, I'm not sure I'd know how to go about getting it. My job these days seems to be helping other people get what they need and want. And that's OK. There comes a point, however, where that's not satisfying any longer, and when I reach that point, I'll adapt and move on to where I need to go and go with who I need to. I'm smart enough to remember how difficult it is having a baby, emotionally and physically. I'm smart enough to know that the worrying and stress and responsibility are going to feel like bricks falling on my head some days. I also know that I've felt nothing in life that begins to approach the true unselfishness and unconditional love as a baby invokes. I'm also smart enough to know that a very big part of having a baby is helping that baby grow to discover what trade-offs he or she is going to be willing to make.